


Silly Luchador Adventures

by the_mythologist



Category: AAA Lucha Libre, Asistencia Asesoría y Administración, Lucha Underground, Professional Wrestling
Genre: Gen, Just having some fun guys, No one I know watches AAA c'mon guys it is best let's all get on this crazy train, Swearing, silly adventures
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:29:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 6,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23726101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_mythologist/pseuds/the_mythologist
Summary: Where luchadores from AAA (Asistencia Asesoría y Administració) have silly made up adventures so Americans can remember who the heck is who.(Guyyys everybody start watching AAA wrestling the masks are ridiculously awesome just look up a single picture of Drago or Pentagon Jr it is all you need I promise.)(Moved over from my tumblr https://sillyluchadoradventures.tumblr.com/ in case you want to see the posts with pictures)
Kudos: 4





	1. Introduction: The Roster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short and silly introduction. Others may be added as time goes on.

**SILLY AAA ROSTER:**

**Aerostar:** Tiny Mexican Time-traveler. Hurls himself bodily off of very tall things and has not yet died. Is universally beloved. Current Rey de Reyes (King of Kings)

 **Arez:** Employs the 'strange style' which I think refers to the cool and gratuitous body paint and/or is a reference to hypothetical off-season work as a circus carnie. Or a shaman. Who knows.

 **Australian Suicide:** Guys he is very adamantly Australian, and also winning at being couples/tag team partners with Vanilla. They coordinate outfits and sexy lady dances. It is perfection.

 **Averno:** Entertainingly evil. Likes to hold conversations with luchadores' masks after he has ripped them off their heads. I suspect he has never washed a vegetable in his entire life. Part of Los OGT's.

 **Bengala:** What the heck is it with AAA and large cats that do not wrestle in the wild? Dating Lady Shani. He's not my favorite, but less weird than Puma so. WAS JUST REPLACED WITH SOMEONE NEW CRAP ALL I KNOW IS A LIEEEEEE.

 **Big Mami:** Super glamorous, super over, super técnico, and may or may not be a super secret Italian Mafia Queen. Stay tuned.

 **Blue Demon Jr.:** I fully believe this man is a huge nerd with a complete inability to speak English. Also he's like 55 and still wrestling so well played, BDJR.

 **Carta Brava Jr:** Rips off luchadores' masks with his teeth. Married to Goya Kong. I suspect he is _not_ a natural blond. Part of Poder del Norte. 

**Chessman:** Labored under the misapprehension that his moniker referred to chess or cheese until he asked Antonio Peña about it. (It's actually an American serial killer.) This is a true fact. Also, his name is Kevin. Yet another true fact. Part of Los OGT's.

 **Dave the Clown:** BUT THERE IS NO DAVE THE CLOWN

(The luchadores speak only of him in whispers, and refer by titles: 'The One True Clown’ ‘He Whose Facepaint must not be Marred’ ‘That Fearsome One’ and 'He Who Must Not Be Dave')

 **Daga:** Look you only need to see the ears or the brass knuckles once, is all I'm saying. Current holder of the Latin American Championship Belt.

 **Dinastía:** He's tiny, he's mighty, he's the closest incarnation to Gohan from DBZ that we will ever get. Holder of the World Mini-Estrella Championship Belt.

 **Dr. Wagner Jr.:** Has a voice like the monster under your bed and Batman had a love child. He and BDJR have been feuding forever. FOREVER.

 **Drago:** THE LITTLEST DRAGON WHO COULD. HE SHALL FIGHT ALL THE THINGS. He's also a middle aged man who uses too many emojis.

 **Elegido:** Disrobes constantly. That's his thing. This goes over big with women in Mexico. Less so with the luchadores. 

**Faby Apache:** All shall love her headdress and despair. Second in Command on Super Secret Lucha Council. The Council very secretly refers to her, lovingly, as Mom.

 **Fénix:** The MexaKing. In the beginning he stuck his fingers into electrical sockets to get pumped up before matches—now he does it to talk to the lightning. Half of Lucha bros, holders of the World Tag Team Championship Belts.

 **Hijo del Phantasma/King Cuerno:** He can speak TWO languages and he's really proud about it. He's also proudly in Vladimir Putin's corner (he's his presidential dream match) and no I am not making this one up either, actually. 

**Hijo del Tirantes (Son of Suspenders):** The most exhausted referee in AAA. He is the rudo/evil one, who sometimes comes out to wrestle in sparkly spandex tops and the lack of suspenders makes me worry for the natural order of things.

 **La Hiedra:** Queen of Los Mercenarios, a rudo stable. Her tits are enormous. There, I said it. 

**Jack Evans:** Wanders in occasionally, yells really loudly and in half understandable Spanish, then backflips back out.

 **Keyra:** Only girl who routinely wears sensible one-piece leotard. Looks suspiciously like Kristen Stewart, if Kristen Stewart wore a sparkly mask. And was a Mexican luchadora. You see where I'm going with this.

 **Kenny Omega:** Look he's awesome and exhausting and also the holder of the Mega Championship Belt. Not in Mexico a whole lot, but when he is, his faithful pocket **Michael Nakazawa** rides with him.

 **Konnan:** If you need me to explain this man and his grumpy cat face to you, you are in the wrong place.

 **Lady Shani:** The single most efficient kidnapper I have ever seen. They go right up to her. Hold her hand. She helps them up into the ring and they are never seen again.

 **Lady Maravilla:** Recently lost her hair to Big Mami in a _lucha de apuestas_ (bet match). Is aggressively experimenting with sparkly barrettes.

 **(Black) Mamba:** Influential _rudo exotico_ (essentially a cross-dressing luchador) who rocks the hell out of double dutch braids and the dreaded _beso_ (kiss). May or may not have a Pimpi Shrine. (He does. He so totally does/)

 **Maximo Sexy:** Look guys he is a straight man working really hard at being an _exotico._ He cannot help walking like a baked potato, but he makes up for it with flamboyant charm and really seriously working that pink feather boa. He is also part of the family that once beat up a car, and, ultimately, lost. 

**Mocho Cota Jr:** He kind of looks like he needs a hug and/or a nap. Oddly skinny for his age. Suspect he is teased in the locker room. Part of Poder del Norte. 

**Monster Clown:** Part of Los Psycho Circus and one of the biggest dudes in AAA. When he's not wearing his garish clown costume, he dresses like a 12 yr old boy whose mother just got him ready for church. Also kidnaps children, but they tend to fear him more than Shani.

 **Murder Clown:** Also part of Psycho Circus. Generally the biggest dude on the roster. Takes better pics/uses technology more efficiently than Monster. Has a beard. That is all.

 **Mr. Iguana:** He's an iguana man and on the AAA English twitch they keep trying to convince us this is a genetic possibility. Guys stop you're only hurting yourselves. 

**Niño Hamburguesa:** Sumo-esque, who likes to do rolling cannonballs onto stacks of opponents. Also does a motorcycle revving thing with his hands during his intro video and I can't figure it out. Why do you do this. What does it mean. Why is it oddly charming. What.

 **Octagon Jr/previously Golden Magic:** Ugh he rips his shirt off really dramatically all the time. It bothers me. One third of _Jinetes del Aire,_ which holds the World Trios Championship Belt.

 **Pagano:** Extremo. Currently has the sassiest intro song. His twitter output may need to be moderated. Uses gratuitous and incorrect English. Too many tattoos. Children love him beyond reason. 

**Pentagon Jr:** Cero miedo, fuckers. Fénix's long-suffering older brother. Enjoys breaking the arms of his enemies, and prancing around the ring like a sexy lady even though he is neither sexy nor a lady. Tag Team Champ Belt Holder.

 **Pimpinela Escarlata:** If this man's boundless joy, enthusiasm, or sashaying on the top rope does not fill your heart with glee _I don't want to know you._

 **Psycho Clown:** Third member of Psycho Circus, and Maximo's rl little brother. Huge técnico favorite, beloved of children. Prances about pretty much nonstop, unless he's humping Tirante's face in excitement. 

**Puma King:** I get that he's super over and kind of great but man the feathers freak me out. Also his tagline is _the coolest cat_ in English even and it's just so horrible always and forever blargh

 **Rey Escorpion:** Member of Los Mercenarios. Am convinced he is utterly fabulous. Must/will attend all the parties. All of them. In all of Mexico.

 **Sammy Guevara:** This is horrible but every time he comes out in a speedo I just go oh god cover up son ain't nobody wanna' see _that._

 **Superfly:** The youngest and most athletic member of Los OGT's. He's taking the other two in stride and perhaps should be awarded a medal. 

**Taurus:** It might not even be a mask. Member of Los Mercenarios. 

**Taya Valkyrie:** Look they call her _la wera loca_ for a reason, ok. Current Reina de Reinas (Queen of Queens).

 **Texano Jr:** Last member of Los Mercenarios. May have the largest mouth in all of Mexico. Also has surprisingly passable English, and once charmingly pronounced 'answer' like 'ans-wer.'

 **Tito Santana:** Not _that_ Tito Santana. Last member of Poder del Norte. His big round babyface does not quite make up for the disappointment of the loss of his Soul Rocker mask. 

**Vanilla:** I can't tell if she's trying to be sexy or hysterical but her actual name is Jenyvalice and it is the single best name in the history of ever.

 **El Vampiro Canadiense:** Might not actually know what is going on at any point in time. Also may or may not be besties with Konnan at any point in time, he's not sure either. Really likes orange creamsicles. 

**Hijo del Vikingo:** The baby of the group. I imagine he spends his off-lucha hours chasing after the other luchadores going 'guys guys wait up wait for meeeeee I wanna' hang out toooooo' Part of _Jinetes del Aire_ , holder of Tag Team Belt.

 **Willie Mack:** Not necessarily in AAA a whole lot but when he is, the announcing team has dubbed him 'Hot Chocolate' and they get really _really_ into it. Also, the man has done (more than once) the macarena before backwards moonsaulting onto his enemies. He is a treasure, the end. 


	2. Sometimes Vampiro forgets Matt Stryker isn’t always in the room

**Sometimes Vampiro forgets Matt Stryker isn’t always in the room.**

  
  


Vampiro: *Shakes his head* Brother, I see what you’re saying, but let’s be real—

Drago: Uh oh. 

Maximo Sexy: Why uh oh?

Drago: He thinks Matt Stryker’s here again. Anytime he says ‘Brother’ and then starts talking in English, he’s talking to the Stryker that lives in his brain.

Vampiro: *Looking intently at an empty corner of the room* Brother you gotta’ stop looking this shit up on the internet. Let it  _ breathe,  _ man. Organic. That’s what we need. Keep it  _ real. _

Maximo: . . . Do you think he hears a response? Like, does he hear Stryker’s voice in his head?

Drago: Who knows. Call Aerostar. It makes his brain reboot.

Maximo: I—Aerostar? Really? 

Vampiro: *Head whips around* AEROWHAT.

Maximo: Aerostar. You know, almost lucha-dated Faby Apache back in 2009, 2010?

Vampiro: AEROWHO.

Drago: * _ Sighs.* _ Aero _ star _ . You know. Tiny Mexican time-traveller? Falls from truly ridiculous heights? 

Maximo: Launches himself into bodily harm every three seconds and is still, inexplicably,  _ not dead _ ?

Drago: He was on Lucha Underground with us. We all had dinner what, 6, 8 times?

Vampiro: Um, no. I would remember a  _ tiny Mexican time-traveller. * _ Speaks in an aside to no one* Brother, do you hear this? They’re making up luchadores again!

Maximo: He fought Drago like 10 times in a row in season 1. Just ask Stryker. He was there!

Drago: *Rolls eyes* Or, you know. Just ask Drago, who’s standing right here. And it was only like 7 don’t hyperbolize.

Vampiro: Do you mean Bengala?

Drago: What? No! No we don’t mean Bengala. We mean—oh, eff it. Yes, we mean Bengala.

Maximo: *Texts Aerostar*  _ Get here. Vampiro’s talking to an imaginary Stryker again. Also he doesn’t think you exist. _

Aerostar: What,  _ again? _

Drago: I’m getting too old for this shit. 


	3. One time Monsther Clown was forced to go clothes shopping and it was the worst

**One time Monsther Clown was forced to go clothes shopping and it was the worst**

-A conversation almost entirely in text-

  
  


Murder Clown: Hey wakey wakey old guy

Monster Clown: skajqog egiuwdfsjvhns aholjw jdlskhf

Murder: Wanna try that again, Father Time?

Monster: I’m only 10 years older than you what the hell.

Murder: Ohhhh ancienntttt oneeeeeeeeee. Wakeup wakeup wakeup!!1!!

Monster: Oh God. It’s my one day off this week. Go bother Psycho.

Murder: Nope. He’s taught his kids to attack  _ enmascarados _ with frying pans. Besides, I’m already outside your apartment door.

Monster: Wait what

Murder: Open up, old-timer. We’re going shopping.

Monster: *Clutches pillow* *Tries to ignore everything*

Murder: *Breaks down door*

Monster: Oh goddamnit.

**———-Three hours and six stores later———-**

*Monster Clown trudges from the fitting room, wearing lime green button down, magenta khakis, and boat shoes with thick socks.*

Murder: Ok I’m almost impressed at this point. How are you still completely unable to dress yourself in a coherent and reasonably fashionable manner?

Monster: I hate you.

Murder: No really. This is not rocket science. T-shirt, distressed jeans, normal person shoes. Even Tirantes knows how to wear clothes. Well. Kind of.

Monster: I could wear suspenders. Will all this end if I start wearing suspenders?

Murder: No. No it will not.

Monster: *Facetimes Aerostar* I agree to lose in upcoming  _ lucha de apuestas _ if you send help.

Aerostar: I can send Drago? He likes shopping!

Monster: That is the opposite of helping.

Murder: Yeah, send Drago. At least he can DRESS HIMSELF.

Rey Escorpion: *Appears from nowhere* I HEARD WE’RE SHOPPING IS IT FOR A PARTY


	4. Averno hates everyone, and is not afraid to let them know it

**Averno hates everyone, and is not afraid to let them know it.**

  
  


Averno: Ugh. It’s Wednesday.

Chessman: Uh, yes. Yes it is. Problem?

Averno: It’s bonus facebook lucha day! Of course it’s a problem!

Chessman: Is this because you hate facebook, or paychecks, or Mexico City, or. . .

Averno: NO, KEVIN. It is because I hate all the luchadores in AAA. In Mexico. In the  _ world.  _ And today I have to interact with them. Sweat with them. Bleed with them. And I’m  _ not allowed _ to kill any of them. 

Chessman: Yeah, the management kind of frowns on that.

Averno: It is a waste of my rage and talents! The OGT’s should celebrate a return to ritual sacrifice! We could start with the tiny viking lad. I’m fairly certain he is not a real viking. There would be no vengeance from the viking peoples.

Chessman: Uh let’s . . . let’s leave el Hijo del Vikingo alone, for now. Blanket hatred of everyone you know aside, this isn’t because Poder del Norte beat us last Saturday or anything, is it?

Averno: *Scream of inarticulate rage*

Chessman: Ah. I see that it is.

Averno: PODER DEL NORTE. More like Pansies del Norte. Pinheads del Norte. _Poopholes_ _del Norte._

Chessman: Maybe we should stop this now—

Averno: I shan’t rest until I’ve bathed in their blood. I will start with the ugly one.

Chessman: Look, we fight them again in two weeks. I know Superfly is out with a hamstring injury, but if you can get Rey Escorpion to stop his weird fight-or-flirt thing with Pagano, we should be good. 

Averno: Ugh. Don’t even get me started on Rey. He’s on the list too.

Chessman: Yeah, but we tend to like him so maybe leave him for last? Or, you know. Leave him alone entirely?

Averno: No one is safe, Kevin. _ No one.  _


	5. Nothing can stand in between Faby Apache and Hijo del Tirantes’ epic friendship

**Nothing can stand in between Faby Apache and Hijo del Tirantes’ epic friendship**

*Montage of Faby and Tirantes high-fiving backstage*

*Some are slow motion*

*Some are impossibly intricate*

*All who watch are filled with the sheer joy of human existence*

———————————--

Australian Suicide: So I gotta admit I hadn’t expected Faby and Tirantes to be besties

Bengala: Oh that’s like the tip of the iceberg

Suicide: What do you mean?

Bengala: So you know how aggressively they hate/attack each other during shows?

Suicide: Yeah it’s great it’s like lightning in their eyes and then one of them almost dies

Bengala: Ok so all that animosity?

Suicide: Yeah?

Bengala: Just cloaks all the love in the world. They’re the bro of bros. Like the pinnacle of human friendship

Suicide: Like even better than Averno and Chessman?

Bengala: Ok actually I think they are only friends out of necessity. Maybe a healthy dose of fear

Suicide: Drago and Aerostar?

Bengala: Kids League, man. Also maybe just drinking buddies? Haven’t quite figured this out yet

Suicide: Vampiro and Konnan?

Bengala: Ok yeah closer but think less drug-fueled and prone to forgetting they are besties rather than nemeses

Suicide: . . . Ok, I think I can see it, but wasn’t Tirantes friends with—

Bengala: Yes

Suicide: That Billy el Mal lucha stripper guy? Faby’s ex-husband and father of her child?

Bengala: Yes

Suicide: Who we don’t talk about unless we wish to incur Faby’s Apache-fueled wrath?

Bengala: Yes. It’s awkward.

Suicide: So . . . are they still friends then?

Bengala: We’ve learned not to ask questions. 

Suicide: Man. Tirantes. I kind of respect him now!

Bengala: Ok I wouldn’t go that far


	6. Pentagon Jr. occasionally regrets the blood pact he made with his mother to protect his brother(s)

**Pentagon Jr. occasionally regrets the blood pact he made with his mother to protect his brother(s)**

Fénix: *Texts furiously* Penta penta pentaaaaaaaaa

Fénix: *In egregious English* Hey look at this baller article I found. Pretty dope, right?

Pentagon Jr: *Blinks at phone. Pecks out response slowly, using one finger at a time.* Puta freaking madre, Fénix, stop texting me in English! I don’t speak that language for a reason—

Fénix: Oh, to make your life as a professional luchador, who first found true fame and worldwide acclaim in a predominantly English-speaking country _even harder?_

Penta: . . . Ok look what do you want. Am I late for a show or something? Oh wait. That’s what _you_ do. 

Fénix: Oh jajajaja. You are just _so funny._ Maybe all the clowns you hang out with are rubbing off on you.

Penta: Yeah, none of Los Psycho Circus are at all funny. Neither is Pagano, really.

Fénix: Then why do you hang out with him all the time, then? Is he your best friend now? WHAT ABOUT ME I AM YOUR LITTLE BROTHER DON’T YOU LOVE ME BEST

Penta: Look you have your friends and I have mine—

Fénix: BUT YOU ARE MY BIG BROTHER AND I LOVE YOU BEST

Penta: Yeah ok yeah but sometimes you just wanna hang out with Drago without me, yeah?

Fénix: BUT HE LIKES AEROSTAR BETTER THAN ME

Penta: Well then hang out with both of them at the same time!

Fénix: BUT THEY BOTH LIKE EACH OTHER BETTER THAN ME

Penta: Christ. Ok then who is your best friend besides—

Fénix: YOU

Penta: BESIDES ME

Fénix: . . . . . . . . . . . . .We have another brother, right?

Penta: Yeah I think so but let’s think _outside the family._

Fénix: Oh!!! Does Rey Mysterio count?!!!

Penta: No. He already has his own children stop trying to get sideways adopted

Fénix: Ugh, fine. Ok . . . I like the Jackson guy. You know, the one in the Young Bucks.

Penta: Ok, good. Which one, Matt or Nick?

Fénix: I dunno. They kind of just look the same to me. Especially when we are fighting them.

Penta: *Rubs temple with the entire palm of his hand. It doesn’t work* . . . Look, just get fired up and lift some weights for a bit, ok? Six of my daughters have a school concert and I have to figure out which one is doing what before my wife gets home and quizzes me on this shit. 

Fénix: Well I can lift weights but I can’t get fired up. My wife taped over all the electrical sockets. 

Penta: FÉNIX STOP STICKING YOUR FINGERS INTO ELECTRICAL SOCKETS

Fénix: I can’t help it! It’s that or drugs!!!!

Penta: I can’t even . . . I’m telling Mom.

Fénix: I’m telling Mom first!!!! *Hangs up really fast*

Penta: *Smirks**Consults chart of his myriad children* Ok now wait. Which daughter plays the clarinet? Do _all_ of them play the clarinet—


	7. Occasionally, el Hijo del Phantasma comes back to visit

Aerostar: Oh shit, it’s Cuerno.

Fénix: YAYYYYYYYYYY

Pentagon Jr: Oh  _ hell  _ no. The last time you two talked he almost convinced you to go to WWE. We are OUT. *Throws Fénix over shoulder, exits stage left*

Fénix: *Wails as he’s taken away* But his hair is so wonderful I just want to  _ look _ at it—

Texano Jr: *Removes bull rope from mouth* It’s too late for us, isn’t it.

Drago: It was always too late for us.

Hijo del Fantasma: Oh hello, past-comrades. How are things back in the motherland?

Texano Jr: *Shrugs*

Drago: *Dragon-growls*

Aerostar: Fine. *Discreetly texts Monster Clown.* _Fantasma’s here._ _Send help._

_ Text from Monster Clown: _ I can send Psycho?

_ Text from Aerostar: _ NOT HELPING.

Fantasma: *Sashays around* Well! I see you are all getting older and uglier in my absence. Drago, your lipstick is smudged. Texano, you’re getting bulky again. And where is Aerostar? Oh, you’re all the way down there. Almost didn’t see you. Because you are tiny.

Texano Jr: I will lasso you.

Drago: *Sticks out gross black dragon tongue thing* I will lick you.

Aerostar: Guys, guys. Let’s just all be chill. *Texts someone more helpful than Monster Clown.*

Fantasma: *Ignores this* But where is Fénix? My bald, beloved friend? I feel the urge to throw him bodily into a ladder again. And speak in English while doing so. Perhaps this will convince him to follow me in WWE.

Willie Mack: *Emerges from the shadows* Oh, we speaking in English now?

Fantasma: *Gasps*  _ You. _

Willie Mack: *Commences the macarena* ‘Cuz you know, we really should be speaking Russian, if Putin’s your boy toy.

Fantasma: How very dare you.

Willie Mack: *Pops the crazy eyes.* I’m the Mack. Back. It.  _ Up. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is almost entirely inspired by the bananas interview Fantasma/Cuerno/Bolly did with the UK Telegraph. You may read it here. You are welcome. 
> 
> https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/03/18/id-like-to-wrestle-barack-obama-with-putin-says-mexican-wrestler/


	8. Another time, the luchadores made a workout club. It was a terrible idea.

Chessman: This is a terrible idea.

Maximo Sexy: What? No, it’s great. Some of us are getting kinda chub, we need the skinny ones to kick us into gear. 

Chessman: I’m saying it now. There will be no survivors.

———-30 minutes later———-

Chessman: I  _ TOLD _ you this was a terrible idea!

Maximo: Look, this isn’t unsalvageable.

Chessman: Unsalvageable?  _ Unsalvage—  _ Look. Look at Pentagón Jr. All he’s doing is flexing his tats and sucking in his gut every time a hot girl walks by. His wife’s going to kill him. She’s going to kill  _ us. _

Maximo: You’d do the same, don’t lie.

Chessman: Fénix and Aerostar are currently climbing the equipment like it’s some kind of jungle gym. They’ve jumped off twice. One time on Dinastía.

Maximo: Ahh he’s tougher than he looks. He’ll be fine.

Chessman: Drago is currently challenging the treadmill to a running competition.

Maximo: . . . Is he winning?

Chessman: . . . Maybe?

Maximo: Go little dragon friend, go!

Chessman: And don’t get me start on Av—Averno! No! Bad Averno! Stop trying to channel hell demons after the personal trainer!

Maximo: Oh I got this. Dinastía! Vegeta’s going super saiyan on the employee!

Dinastía: *Hair stands on end.* KAAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEEE—

Chessman: Oh shi—

Dinastía: HAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEE—

Psycho Clown: HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! *Rips off shirt and goes into psycho crazy frenzy*

Maximo: Ah. Forgot we brought my baby bro. Whoops. 

Psycho Clown: *Chases after Pagano, who had heretofore been the only productive member of the Workout Club.*

Pagano: Wait what? Stop it, dude. We gotta pump iron not do the doofy dance!

Psycho Clown: DANCE WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Chessman: This is why the girls never work out with us. 

Maximo: This is why I taped the whole thing. 


	9. Drago is a questionable amount of fun at Lucha Underground Reunions

Aerostar: Hey man, good to see you! How’ve ya been?

Drago: *Crouches down. Opens mouth, and long black tongue unfurls. Shakes his head a bit.*

Aerostar: Jesus, Víctor! You know we’re not filming today! 

Drago: *Tongue continues to loll* So?

Aerostar: Do you bring that thing with you everywhere? 

Drago: I am a dragon. This is my tongue. Don’t ask stupid questions.

Aerostar: Argh. This is one of those days, huh?

Drago: I have lived for 10,000 years in dragon years. There are many days from which to choose. 

Aerostar: *Starts texting Kobra Moon* *Remembers he hates her* *Puts down phone* Flipping Nora. C’mon, buddy. Let’s go see if Fénix is here. He’s always down for the weird shit.

Drago: *Perks up* Will he fight me? I shall fight him. I shall fight ALL THE THINGS. At once. 

Texano Jr: *Pops up* *Removes rope from mouth* What about Hernandez?

Drago: Hand me your belt.


	10. Everyone Fears Dave the Clown. But Dave the Clown Does Not Exist.

-They speak of him in whispers, or not at all-

  
  


El Hijo del Vikingo: Hi guys! I’m new! I love lucha sooooooo much :) Anything I should know though, before I give my life and health and body to this flashy and injury-prone pursuit?

Rey Escorpion: Nah

Bengala: Nope

Taya Valkyrie: Welcome to the club lil’ brahhh

Dinastía: Yeah you’ll be fine

Averno: Who the hell are you

Puma King: As long as you don’t flirt with my tinder prospects we should be good

Faby Apache: Wait, should we warn him about Da—

All but Vikingo: *Huge gasp* NO

Myzteziz Jr: Faby how could you 

Faby: If he’s gonna stick around I just think—

Chessman: STOP THINKING

Vikingo: Um who’s Day?

*The lights flicker. Ghostly hell-sounds are heard in the hallway*

Escorpion: Now you’ve done it

Taya: Should we send for one of the clowns? They are his people. 

Chessman: No! We must send for the Overlord. Only he can stand against The One True Clown. Faby, send for Tirantes! He will know where The Overlord resides

Puma King: So should the rest of us just wait here or

Myzteziz Jr: RUNNNN

*All by Vikingo, Australian Suicide, and Averno stampede out of the room*

Australian Suicide: Ok actually I’ll be real I don’t know who we’re talking about either.

Vikingo: *To himself* Is it too late to take up hairdressing

Averno: *Clicks remote control. Ghostly sounds and flickering stop* You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to do that

———————

  
  


-Los Psycho Circus are rumored to have done a show with him, but they do not speak of it-

  
  


Psycho Clown: Guys remember that time when Da—

Murder Clown: *Shrieks like a girl*

Monster Clown: *Cradles Murder protectively* PSYCHO HOW COULD YOU

Psycho: But it was just the vending machi—

Murder: *Breaks down into sobs*

Monster: YOU KNOW HOW IT HAUNTS HIM STILL

*Murder hustles Monster off*

Psycho: Jeez they laughed so hard when Daga fought the vending machine and lost wth guys 

————————

  
  
  


-Even Vampiro makes no headway into this great mystery-

Vampiro: Ok so, I’m the AAA Personnel Director, right?

Konnan: Among other things, yeah

Vampiro: Right. So. Every couple weeks we send this paycheck to a luchador and I can’t figure out why. Or even who he is. Or where he lives. It’s all kinda hinky.

Konnan: Hinky?

Vampiro: Look it’s Canadian let it go

Konnan: Ok well let me see who it is

Vampiro: *Shows him the paper*

Konnan: *Blanches and crosses himself*

Vampiro: I didn’t know you went to  _ church _

Konnan: My friend, we must never speak of this again. Purge this from your mind. Forget all about this particular luchador.

Vampiro: I mean I’m already halfway there but can I ask why?

Konnan: We do not speak of it. Him. IT.

Vampiro: Dave the Clown doesn’t seem like such a frightening concept to me

Konnan: *Moans dramatically in fear* We do not say his NAME

Vampiro: But WHY

Konnan: *Dramatically* Because The One Clown To Rule Them All does not EXIST

Vampiro: Man and they say that I’m the crazy one


	11. Meeting #412 of the Super Secret Lucha Council.

Mysterious Masked Leader (wearing Sith Lord Mask and cape ensemble): *Bangs gavel* Order. Order! I will have order!

All except for Monster Clown: Sorry, Gracious and Benevolent Secret Overlord.

Monster Clown: *Audibly snoring*

Secret Overlord: That is better. Now that we are all assembled—

Faby Apache: Uh, I think we’re missing a couple luchadores.

Overlord: Oh yeahhhh. Where’s Drago? He never misses meetings. Total brown noser.

El Hijo del Tirantes: In the States, last minute addition to an Impact show. 

Overlord: Cuervo?

Tirantes: Oh, he’s on the floor. Faby’s doing his hair.

Dark Cuervo: *Raises a hand and waves. It’s all that can be seen of him, as Faby is braiding the hell out of his hair*

*Chessman bustles in*: Sorry I’m late, guys—I had to shake Averno. Took longer this time. He’s getting suspicious. 

Blue Demon Jr: You mean clingy?

Chessman: I mean it’s your word choice

Overlord: Vampiro, where is Konnan?

Vampiro: DON’T ASK ME ABOUT KONNAN

Overlord: I’m only asking because you two cut a promo the other day about being best friends for life, so

Konnan: THAT WAS ALL A LIE, APPARENTLY

*Tirantes bangs his head against the table. Faby pats his back, continuing to one-handedly braid Cuervo’s hair*

Overlord: Well I can see that Monster Clown is sleeping through yet another meeting. No, no one wake him. It’s an improvement. More importantly, where is Dr. Wagner Jr?

*Uneasy silence from the table*

Overlord: I am WAITING

Chessman: *Cautiously* Well, Secret Overlord, Juan is—

BD Jr: He’s getting laid

Tirantes: *Muffled groan from the tabletop*  _ Now you’ve done it _

Monster Clown: *Snuffling sleepy noise, continues napping*

Overlord: WHAT

BD Jr: Look man I’m telling it how he is he’s out with his trophy whatever and getting some.

Vampiro: Wait Juan has a girlfriend

Faby: I’m not sure girlfriend is the right word choice 

Chessman: Yeah. We’ve all seen the pictures. I don’t think they’re working out during those selfies. 

Overlord: You mean to tell me all that Wagner is working out his tiny Juan rather than attend the all important Super Secret Lucha Council Meeting #412

BD Jr: Well he’s not here is he?

Overlord: *Heavy breathing from behind mask* Ok you know what? He’s out of the club. Like Averno. And Electroshock.

Chessman: Uh, Averno was never in the club.

Faby: And Electroshock is  _ still  _ in the club. He skyped in and everything, but his computer mic is broken. *Points to computer screen where Electroshock waves madly*

*Tirantes and Chessman wave back*

Monster Clown: *Snores himself awake* Mrmmmphh—oh shit did the meeting start already

Secret Overlord: FINE. Just Wagner is out of the club. What an asshole. Meeting dismissed! *Bangs gavel*

*All file out, muttering to themselves, except for Faby and, after she catches his arm, Vampiro*

Secret Overlord: *Waits for the door to close* Fabiola, Ian, as the only two of the council who know my true identity—

Vampiro: Wait what? We do?

Faby: Yes, Ian. We’ve always known his identity.

Vampiro: This isn’t that Aerowhatsit shit again is it

Faby: NO he is not Aerostar the height  _ alone _ should tip you off on that

Vampiro: um  _ stilts _

Secret Overlord: Wait, what about Aerostar?

Vampiro: They keep making up this luchador—

Faby: WHAT WAS IT YOU NEEDED TO TELL US, SECRET OVERLORD?

Secret Overlord: Well, as I was saying—oh you know what, the others are gone let me take off this mask it’s cramping my style. *Takes off mask. Shakes long hair around dramatically.*

Pimpinela Escarlata: There, that’s much better.

Vampiro: *Gasps*


	12. Averno has a hard time with some luchadores in particular

Averno: Do you know who I hate the most, Kevin?

Chessman: *Sighs* Is it Pentagón Jr?

Averno: PENTAGÓN JR

Chessman: *Begins scanning for escape routes*

Averno: WHAT IS THE FASCINATION WITH HIS FINGERS? THEY ARE LONG AND FLOPPY LOOKING AND THE MIDDLE TWO DON’T CONNECT WHAT IS THAT IT IS WEIRD.

Chessman: It has nothing to do with his octopus fingers, it’s his in-ring charisma, Averno.

Averno: I HAVE IN-RING CHARISMA TOO, KEVIN

Chessman: His mask is pretty cool, too. And he has a catchphrase that even Americans can remember.

Averno: Well I have a long and fulfilling career in AAA, TNA, CMLL, the Indies . . .

Chessman: Look it’s hard to argue with Cero Miedo. And, you know. Lucha Underground. Impact Wrestling. MLW. AAA and AEW at the same time. Ok really everything but WWE let’s be real

Averno: Stop selling him to the masses, Kevin!

Chessman: You know, no one else calls me Kevin. Just my mother. When I’m in trouble.

Averno: WHY DO YOU THINK I DO IT, KEVIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, if you want to see the silly and somewhat appropriate pictures that go along with this, my secret wrestling appreciation blog is https://sillyluchadoradventures.tumblr.com/


	13. Puma King should not be allowed on dating sites, anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one really benefits from my silly tumblr pictures, so I'm gonna try and stick them in here. If it doesn't work here is the link:
> 
> https://sillyluchadoradventures.tumblr.com/

Lady Maravilla: *Huge gasp* Guys.  _ Guys.  _

Lady Shani: *Ignores her*

La Hiedra: *Continues texting on her phone*

Lady Maravilla:  _ GUYS _

Keyra: *Pulls out earbuds*  _ What. _

Maravilla:  _ LOOK AT THIS _

All: *Begrudgingly look at Maravilla’s cell phone*

Shani: Ohhhhhhhh  _ shit. _

Hiedra: No way. That can’t be real. It’s gotta’ be a joke.

Keyra: Click on it click on it click on it—

Maravilla: *Clicks on it*

*Picture of Puma King pops up*

**_Dating site member profile: Pussy King has liked you! Would you like to send him a message?_ **

Shani: Who the hell let Puma King make a dating profile?

Hiedra: Who the hell let Puma King out of his litter box?

Keyra: Who the hell thought  _ Pussy King _ was a good idea?

Maravilla: Oh God. The  _ profile. _

**Pussy King’s profile** : Hello, _ladies. They call me ‘The Coolest Cat’ ‘cuz I’m an athletic, bendy tomcat who loves sitting in your lap and purring if you rub me just the right way. Am not adverse to tongue baths, and will go nuts if you nip me. Enjoy long walks around the block and playing with feathers, if you know what I mean ;)_

Shani: *Gags*

Keyra: Sweet flipping unicorns I’m shanking him the next time we’re in the ring. 

Hiedra: Wanna’ borrow a los mercenarios blade? Texano’s always got extras.

Keyra: I was thinking I’d just pack a bowie knife, but tiny wrestler blades work too—

Maravilla: Wait wait there’s more—

**Pussy King is looking for** : _ a sweet and sexy pussy cat with aspirations to become queen of the jungle. Come for a walk on the wild side—I’ll make you yowl in the moonlight! _

Keyra: *Laughs hysterically* 

Hiedra: So, Shani, does Bengala-That-Was say this kind of stuff to you? Gets all into character in the bedroom? Or is it just PK?

Shani: No one in the entirety of existence has ever said that except for Puma King. And I really, really wish he hadn’t said it in the first place.

Hiedra: Can’t help but notice you didn’t exactly answer the whole question, Shani.

Shani: WE HAVE NORMAL SEX, HIEDRA.

Hiedra: Ok but we’re all luchadores here do we even know what normal is

Keyra: *Continues laughing. Begins having breathing issues.*

Shani: But wait wait wait ‘Villa. Puma King liked you on the dating site? Did you use a picture of your actual face? He  _ knows _ you, so he’s gotta’ know we’ll all make fun of him, now.

Maravilla: Oh, no, I didn’t use a picture of me. 

Hiedra: Who did you use?

Maravilla: *Looks uncomfortable*

Keyra: WHO WHO WHO

Maravilla: . . . Marisela Peña.


	14. Rey Escorpión totally has his priorities together, ok

**Rey Escorpión’s Totally Awesome List of Things To Do Every Day**

  
  


  1. Arise every morning refreshed, rested, and ready to party.
  2. Painstakingly curl and crimp each lock of hair. It is not easy being fabulous but someone must do it.
  3. Kill a chicken for breakfast (do not use los mercenarios weapons or La Hiedra gets pouty)
  4. Leave remains of chicken carcass on Tito Santana’s doorstep because fuck Poder Del Norte and fuck his chubby baby face and fuck his oddly charming yet mocking dance moves and—
  5. Check facebook for party invites
  6. Answer emails from adoring public and/or Averno because one can never forget what happened the one time Averno was ignored
  7. Ignore any emails/texts/facebook friend requests from Superfly because fuck him too
  8. Practice fusion dance with Texano Jr
  9. Work out at gym 
  10. Practice hair tying/braiding/curling techniques
  11. Bake a wholesome loaf of bread from yeast cultivated in kitchen. Inhale deeply, savouring the rich patina of scents hanging in the air. Devour in seconds.
  12. Check for more parties
  13. Attend the parties
  14. Yes, all of them
  15. Be Rey Motherfucking Escorpión



  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the tumblr there is a very charming 4 second long vid of The Fusion Dance. Just saying.


	15. Konnan and his grumpy cat face have a hard time, sometimes.

Konnan: *Walking down street, humming a jaunty tune* Doo doo. Do do da deee. De dahhhh doo do doooooo—

Faby Apache: *Bursts out of nowhere, looking concerned* Oh, Carlitos. Chin up! It will all be ok! *Hugs him*

Konnan: I—thank you?

Faby: Remember that we’re all here for you. You’re not alone. 

Konnan: I—what? Wait, what? 

Faby: *Phone starts ringing* Oh, I have to take this. It’s the Overlord. But I believe in you, sweetie! *Runs off*

Konnan: What the fucking fuck is going on

—————--7 hours later——————-

Konnan: *Backstage at arena, waiting for show* *Rapping quietly to himself* An’ I’m sayin’ to m’self sometimes life is mighty fine—

Fénix: *Bursts in, throws himself into Konnan’s arms*

Konnan: WHAT *Fights him off* WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Fénix: But but but Drago said you were SAD and that you needed hugs and might even cry and I need hugs when I cry so so so—

Konnan: *Massages temples* Oh god. Just—go. Go find your brother. Give him your love and tell Drago to stop taking drugs or whatever he is on.

Fénix: Ok, but what should I tell the others?

Konnan: What others?

*Door bursts open and El Elegido walks through, shirtless, pants undone*

El Elegido: Do not fear! For I shall soothe you through the power of provocative dance! *Wiggles out of denims* 

El Elegido: *Dances provocatively in the ancient art of the striptease*

Fénix: *High pitched screaming*

Konnan: *Cracks neck* Welp gonna’ have to kill a man now.

*Mocho Cota Jr sticks his head in* Hey, ten minutes until show— *Sees a mostly naked Elegido*  _ YOU. _

Elegido: *Wiggles his bottom*

Mocha Cota: *Yells down hallway* BOYSSSSSSS GET HIM

*Elegido runs out of the room and off down the hallway, Poder del Norte in pursuit. Fénix, after looking at Konnan’s scowl, inches out of the room*

Konnan: *Calls Vampiro* IAN

Vampiro: WHO

Konnan: Don’t pull that shit with me bro I know your ways

Vampiro: Oh shit, sorry. Thought you were my mom. 

Konnan: *Squints angrily at phone* 

Vampiro: Ok so anyways I think we’re friends at the moment, right?

Konnan: Bro we’re always friends we buried the hatchet years ago you have to stop forgetting this.

Vampiro: We buried hatchets?

Konnan: Well actually we sort of set each other on fire but same thing

Vampiro: I mean if you say so? But Electroshock said you were having a bad day—

Konnan: I’M NOT HAVING A BAD DAY

Vampiro: —and I just wanted to make sure my bro was doing ok.

Konnan: FACETIME ME IMMEDIATELY

Vampiro: *Facetimes him*

Konnan: WHAT IS GOING ON IAN

Vampiro: Ah bro I don’t know. Everyone was saying you had a face like a slapped ass and so we all assumed the worst. But this is just your grumpy cat face. There is no crisis here.

Konnan: I don’t think I want to be best friends with you anymore. 

Vampiro: Well tell that to our hatchets

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of Konnan and Vampiro being besties/nemeses is still just so inexpressibly funny to me. It just makes my heart happy guys.


End file.
